No Longer Broken

Proud Corkman Tadhg O’Connell was born with osteogenesis imperfecta (OI) known as brittle bones disease. Struggling to cope with the illness, he began drinking at the age of 12. He spoke with VOX editor Ruth Garvey-Williams about the long journey to wholeness and freedom in relationship with Jesus.

(From the July - September 2020 issue of VOX)

Tell us about growing up with Osteogenesis Imperfecta
I would have a very mild form of OI but I have broken bones over 100 times in my life. Growing up, I could not play football or other sports. I remember always feeling scared and I created a fantasy world to escape. Eventually, I disconnecting emotionally because I was so afraid of being hurt.

I would go to mass and look at Christ on the cross. I was curious and I kept wondering why He went to the cross but if the lads saw me going into the church, I would get slagged. We used to check to see who was saying mass (so I could tell my mother) and then we would leave.

I remember visiting a friend of mine. At the time, I was after breaking a wrist and collarbone and his mam said, “Look at you, are you broken again?” None of my family had OI so I kept asking, “Why am I like this?”

What made you start drinking?
At the age of 12, I was going down an alleyway and met a group of lads. One handed me a flagon of cider. When I took the drink, it seemed to be exactly what I was looking for. It made me comfortable for the first time. The fear and anxiety were gone and the knot in my stomach eased.

The lads would look after me because I was younger. It gave me a sense of security, like a gang. I never felt safe even when I was at home but I felt safe hanging around the streets with them.

Soon I was taking alcohol all the time. I remember how we’d stand outside the off license waiting for someone to come along who would buy us drink. But the more I went on, the more unpredictable I became. I’d be laughing one minute and then start verbally abusing people the next.

By 18 I was isolated and consumed with suicidal thoughts. I’d go to sleep saying, “Please don’t let me wake up in the morning.” I’d make bargains with God, “I’ll go to mass if you find me money for drink.”

“I remember standing there for a long time, looking and contemplating suicide.”

One day, I ended up by the river and my head was telling me to go in. “Your family will recover. The pain will go if you go in here, everything will be grand.” I remember standing there for a long time, looking and contemplating suicide. Looking back, I don’t know how I survived.

What brought you to your senses?
One day, I ended up in hospital. I had a bleeding ulcer and I was vomiting blood. So I finally got a bit of help. I came off the drink for seven years. I got married and we had four kids. But by now I was having all these feelings of shame and guilt from my past.

I returned to the Catholic Church and threw myself into everything. I spent three days fasting at Lough Derg. I climbed Croagh Patrick and travelled to Lourdes and Medjugorje. But nothing I did could get rid of the shame I was feeling.

It got so bad that all of a sudden I went back to the drink. I thought that was the only thing that could take away my feelings of guilt. I wasn’t violent but my wife and the kids were afraid of me.

Eventually, I managed to stop and I went back to confession but I could not understand why I had fallen even after I had done so much and tried so hard to be a good person.

When did things begin to change?
One day I picked up the Bible and I started to read. I came to Romans 7 where Paul talks about doing what he doesn’t want to do and I thought, “This guy is on to something.” I kept reading and reading and slowly I was getting used to the idea that God’s grace is freely given and that the blood of Jesus washes away sin and shame.

I’d go to confession with all these questions for the priest but he would say, “I haven’t got time for you today.” The more I read, the more questions I had. I was in a mental anguish. I couldn’t sleep so I’d be walking around town. I remember thinking, “If I could save myself I would not need a Saviour.”

Early one morning I began looking online for a church because I wanted to know who Jesus was. One or two seemed too “jumpy” (charismatic) but eventually I reached out to Bryce from Douglas Baptist Church and we arranged to meet up.

Afterwards I went and confessed to the priest. For a while, I stayed away but I talked to Billy O’Mahony from the Christian bookshop. He told me his story and answered some of my questions from the Bible. And all the time, I was reading the Bible and the battle was raging in my head.

What did your wife think of all of this?
I’d heard that there was a meeting down in Bandon but my wife told me, “You are not going out to them weirdos!” I said, “Would you please come down with me because I’m after giving up and if I do, I know the alcohol will come back.”

Eventually, the wife, three kids and myself went down to Bandon. In the community centre, all the Baptist churches in Munster had gathered. When I looked in and saw all the people, my wife wanted to run away and the kids were crying. But we went in and sat next to Bryce and his family.

They had a Sunday School but my youngest was crying so I went out with the kids. My wife was left alone and I was like, “She is going to kill me.” Afterwards the kids came in smiling and laughing and on the way home she said she wanted to know who this fella Jesus is. She felt her heart pounding and she had never felt like that before. So she wanted to meet up with Bryce’s wife for a Bible study. I nearly crashed the car. For years, I was trying to persuade her. Ten minutes into a sermon, her heart was turning.

I got quite jealous and I told God, “She wasn’t even looking for you and you found her.” There was me searching for years and I still had no clue.

How did you finally make sense of everything?
I just had to go back to Scripture and I realised that my sins were forgiven and my shame is washed away. Every time I read something, I could feel the heaviness was dropping away from me.

Jesus is my Saviour. There is no other. There is a power in that name. I realised then all my life I had seen myself as a victim because of OI. I was blaming everybody. But I realised I wasn’t a victim at all. I became an addict because I wanted to. The victim mentality was removed and then my heart started opening.

I had thought of myself as broken but someone told me, “You are not broken, you are just a person who breaks a lot.”

Some days it is still hard. Two of our kids have OI. Life is not always awesome but I know that God has a plan for my life and my family. I’m blessed!

I’m definitely looking forward a new body in the next life!