Wrestling with my thoughts
A doctor with severe mental illness discovers strength
Sharon Hastings’ honest new book lifts the veil on mental illness and helps to equip churches to come alongside loved ones, fellow church members, friends and neighbours who suffer from devastating illnesses such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder and schizoaffective disorder. VOX editor Ruth Garvey-Williams spoke with Sharon to find out more:
“How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?” Psalm 13: 1-2
“I have always identified with David in this Psalm,” Sharon says. The raw honesty of David’s words resonated with her experience and seemed to sum up her painful journey with severe mental illness. It is a journey that does not have a neat or simplistic happy ending but rather one of hope even in the midst of an on-going and chronic condition.
Doctor and Patient
Growing up in a Christian home in County Down, Sharon had a good grounding in Scripture. At 19, she went to medical school and loved it. “I was fascinated by the human body,” she explains.
During her third year as a medical student, Sharon was baptised, an event she describes in her book as “the pinnacle of my Christian life to date.”
But during her fourth year she began to experience pain, tiredness and depression and was eventually diagnosed with a major depressive disorder that only seemed to get worse. “Just after my written final exams in 2007, I was admitted to a psychiatric ward against my wishes. I spent the rest of my final year in hospital. I campaigned to be able to be allowed to do my clinical finals and although my doctors were not keen, the university was very supportive. So I graduated as a doctor while I was still an in-patient!”
Sharon began to lose weight and was referred to a clinic for eating disorders but she was too unstable to participate with the programme. She began to have psychotic experiences and struggled with suicidal thoughts.
“I thought, ‘What is left for me?’ Although I still totally believed in God, I felt He had completely abandoned me. I became angry with Him and then indifferent. God seemed irrelevant to my situation because I felt that He was not concerned about me.”
An opportunity opened up for Sharon to receive treatment in Arizona, in America. “I was there for six months and I did really well. It was a Christian centre and I realised they really cared about me and valued me. There was a daily chapel service and one morning I felt that God wanted me back. I made a recommitment to Him. When I came home, I felt more of a connection with God. I was praying more but I was still depressed.
“It is not a book about healing but it is a book about hope.”
Tough Diagnosis
“I had applied for my medical practice licence with the general medical council thinking that would be the answer to my problem but they would not licence me because I had not recovered. They told me to re-apply in two years time.”
Sharon began to have manic episodes: dressing flamboyantly and spending money recklessly. This caused her doctors to change her diagnosis to Bipolar Disorder and it gave her hope that they would now be able to find an appropriate treatment.
“After a while I reapplied to the medical council. At my first interview, they were positive but then my health deteriorated and I had my first psychotic episode. I thought my psychiatrist was plotting against me. At my second interview, it was so obvious and I received a letter to say I would be a danger to patients. That was really painful for me and led to a downhill curve. I attempted suicide and was fortunate that I survived (it was a God thing).”
Admitted to hospital, the psychiatrists began to re-evaluate their diagnosis once again and eventually Sharon was told she had schizoaffective disorder - a severe mental illness that combines psychotic symptoms with episodes of mania and depression.
Rollercoaster
The diagnosis helped and with a new anti-psychotic medication, Sharon became more stable. “It was a hopeful time. I started voluntary work, began creative writing classes and fell in love. Rob, my husband-to-be, has always been really patient and understanding but for the first few years when we were dating, he never really experienced the full implications of my illness.
“We were married in 2015 and since then it has been a roller coaster. I suffered quite severe psychotic depression and eventually had electric shock treatment last spring.”
A different psychiatrist started Sharon on a new course of anti-depressants, which made a significant difference. She has now sustained a long period at home, and launched her book in January 2020.
“It is not a book about healing but it is a book about hope,” Sharon says. “ I have not recovered. My illness is there and I deal with it every day. I’m very aware that God can heal but He does not always. This is my thorn in the flesh. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it is God who gives me strength.”
“I’m thankful for opportunities to speak out and demystify the topic. If people have less fear then it can open up the conversation.””
Demystifying Mental Illness
Sharon believes there is increasing awareness in the church about depression and anxiety but the taboos remain when it comes to talking about severe mental illness and there is a lot of stigma. “I’m thankful for opportunities to speak out and demystify the topic. If people have less fear then it can open up the conversation.”
Those suffering from mental illness can encounter different reactions from church communities. Some ask, “Where is your joy in the Lord?” Sharon has also experienced prayer for deliverance from demonic influence, something that can be damaging, unhealthy and unhelpful to those coping with a chronic condition, she says.
But since they got married, Sharon and Rob have been in a church where people have been increasingly understanding, providing practical support especially at times when Sharon has been hospitalised.
“The more I talk openly, the more people have begun to understand. In the book, I try to combine my medical knowledge with my journey with mental illness. I explain the different terminology that we use. The fact that it happened to me as a doctor can be a surprise. A lot of people have the idea that professionals are protected or that mental illness happens to people who are impoverished. One of the problems is that people with severe mental illness are often on the margins or can’t attend church regularly.”
Sharon sees such potential for the church to play a role in supporting those with mental illness and providing practical help to their families. “It is not rocket science. It might mean simply getting alongside somebody and asking what they need!
“The other thing that has happened is that Rob and I are expecting our first baby. That is both exciting and scary. It is going to be a major life change. I’ve had a lot of anxiety and sometimes that has been hard to manage, but above all I feel blessed and delighted.”
Choosing a title for her book was easy for Sharon. “I’ve always looked to Psalm 13 in times of trouble. David was wrestling with his thoughts and I’ve often asked, ‘How long is this going on?’ especially when I’ve been in a particularly bad episode. But there is hope because the Psalm ends with praise. It is always something I try to come back to,” Sharon says.
You can find “Wrestling with my Thoughts” on Amazon and in Faith Mission bookshops across Northern Ireland.
