Sligo22: Bridging the Gap
Judith Cairns is CEO of Love for Life a charity working to equip the church to discuss and share God’s model for relationship and sexuality with wisdom and grace. This seminar at New Wine explored how we can step confidently into conversations with young people. (Notes taken during week A).
83% of young people say family is a major influence on their choices. Therefore, we do have influence being part of a family, and we can make a difference. How do we move from a place in culture that has lots of confusing and distorted messages to a place of clarity and confidence? Quick disclaimer: this is a huge gap without one clear answer.
Start from a place of hope:
Let’s paint and think and imagine what a hope-filled picture might look like
Challenges are there, but we have hope.
Culture is discipling us all sexually: “you need to look like this..” “if you want to be happy…”
Discipleship is knowing what we believe, living it well and passing it on.
Do we know what we believe?
Ephesians 4:14-15
Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.
What would it be like not to be tossed by every new teaching? What would it be like to be someone who speaks love and truth, held together with compassion? How can we become united and together with this, as one body? That’s confidence, and clarity.
You may think, “I can’t do this”. We think we need to be perfect to talk about it: but being perfect is not real. This will be something we think about and wrestle with. To know what we believe and live well.
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? (Matthew 7:3-5)
Let’s be people who see clearly. We want to be people who live with integrity consistently. We need to deal with things in our own lives. The world doesn’t need people who are perfect or flawless.
What they most need to see is a broken people who are no longer ashamed of their weakness, those who are in pursuit of holiness and are living to share about a God who loves them.
We need to talk and share with those we love. Saying nothing is saying something. It’s saying, “God doesn’t care.” We need to be people who say something. We don’t need to be masterchefs, but we can give what we can. We can improve, and we can do enough.
We’re going to use the 5 Ps:
1. being positive
2. being proactive
3. being pastoral
4. people
5. being prepared
Being Positive
God has incredible plans. He’s made you, He loves you. This is good news, and it’s positive. Can we reclaim that talking about this is GOOD? It’s positive. Doing so in a God-honouring way leads to flourishing. We want to help our children to value their own body and others. We want them to treat each other well and to know how to do that. To steward their sexuality. How do they navigate that well if we don’t teach them? How do they view intimacy? Marriage? Singleness? Sex is not nothing, but it’s not everything. How do we talk about that positively?
They observe us from no age. It’s never too early to have these conversations and it’s not too late. Talking to our children about puberty or other things, we have an opportunity to be hugely positive about who they are:
You are amazing
Conception: when your DNA was formed. You are a champion. You have always had value. You are one in 200 million!
how the baby grows: if you can grow from a grain of rice with a heartbeat, you can grow from now and through puberty into adulthood. And show them that adulthood is good fun!
Being Proactive
Saying nothing is not an option. What if we stepped forward into every opportunity to share openly about these topics?
Model of effective parenting: showing these things regularly to create a context where self-esteem can grow.
Affection
this communicates love
spending time with your child is key
Approach
approach their world get to know it
get involved in their interests
learn from them: “show me”
be genuine in that interest them
Accept
accept them for who they are in that moment - sometimes they don’t want to talk, sometimes they’re moody. Remain flexible and calm.
Be available
find times intentionally to be there physically and emotionally
the power of our presence is massive: be there with them and for them
be an ongoing consistent stable presence in their lives
their need for it will change - but they will absorb so much from you if you are there for them
create space for them
Affirmation
compliment them and thank them
listen attentively in affirming
don’t fall into the “kingdom of you”: we want children to look outside themselves to see their place in the bigger picture
affirm them as a child of God:
created
chosen
known
empowered to call him Father
redeemed from all wrongdoings
Advice
why should we stop giving advice when it comes from relationships?
It’s an information exchange but also sharing values
knowledge gives confidence and courage
some of the best chats are in the least expected moments, so embrace them
Authority
our kids won’t do everything we tell them, but we can call them to live differently
if we think about God’s boundaries, they are good and loving
if there’s a “no” in His word, there’s a “yes” that is being protected
His authority doesn’t crush my freedom; it gives me freedom
Accountability
behaviour points to something in the heart, so you can try pick up on the deeper issues
your love for them is not based on what they do, but who they are
God still has problems with His children too
we can pray – it’s the best thing we can do, before doing anything
others will do it differently but only you can parent them
Pastoral
We need to stay in the mess. Let’s be constant, trusted presence in our children’s lives. We can love people without accepting all their ideas and behaviours. “Even though ____, I will love you.” Our kids need to hear that because they need to live that. In our attempt to show compassion, have we made compassion the focus? Have we made compassion a god? We need to speak truth and love. God’s love is limitless, but it does have boundaries. His compassion never cancels out truth and love.
We want to acknowledge, challenge and promote:
Acknowledge: not affirming, but acknowledging something that’s going on in your child’s life, or in the culture
Challenge – challenging behaviours
Promote - what do you want to promote? Think and name that. Sometimes we want to pass on accountability. We can do many things to promote accountability, but with their agreement it’s even better.
How can I leave the conversation open? Create openness to have continued conversation.
How can I leave them wanting to know more?
The world and Christianity will always be in opposition. We can disagree- what will mark us as different is how we disagree well. Once we stop caring what others think, we might care more about others.
People
we need to walk with people
books and resources are brilliant, but the biggest influence on our own lives is people
who are your people? The people that have got you, that stand with you, those you can turn to for help. We need cheerleaders. We can’t do this alone
who are the people in your children’s life? If there are things they won’t talk to you about, they don’t need to go to parents: they can go to these people.
Be prepared
Let’s be prepared. We can always be preparing for the next eventuality.
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect. (1 Peter 3:15)
This is a missional moment. The culture will get more challenging. We can start change by digging into knowledge and conversation with our children. It’s time for the Church to take a stand. It’s time to care. It’s time to show our kids.
What if we get hold of this and live this call in a radical way? This is life giving. It is positive. It’s for everyone. Let’s be people who live as if the truth were true. Let’s show them that it is really good.
What is the one message you want your kids to hear? Think about it, write it down, and tell them.